I have written on the blog many times about my endless search for simplicity. I don’t want to overlook happiness in an incessant need to gather stuff and things to do.

I am finally beginning to feel closer to joy in less. This is such a special time in life. I wake up in the morning, smile at my beautiful baby, change her, then feed her and read my book. We play on the floor, and go outside to water flowers and throw the ball for Sydney. If I am lucky, she will lay down for a nap so I can eat lunch and clean up. The rest of the afternoon is laundry, snuggling, nursing and changing, in various order and repetition.

I struggled in the beginning, more so than I would actually like to admit. Partly, this had to be normal postpartum rebalancing and weeks of broken sleep. I felt like such a failure when I couldn’t calm her. I stressed so much that I fell behind in milk production, which made things even harder. I had to stop trying to fit into a schedule and learn to be patient.

This was (and is) an enormous effort for me. I love my busy body ways. I get huge satisfaction from a hard day with a big, productive payoff. I love laying down in bed and going over the day in my mind. The more I’ve done, the better I sleep. I have had to learn to let go. More often than not in these last three months, I could barely do more than nurse, eat and sleep in the limits of twenty-four hours.

It was a lonely time for me. All the family left for home and Tyler went back to work. It was just us- this beautiful, helpless little girl, who by most standards cried too much, Sydney, and me. I went through cycles of loving her so much I couldn’t stand it, then mourning the life I had before she arrived. Maybe that’s normal? I honestly don’t know. I do know that we eventually started to become a team. And, one day at a time, things seemed less and less impossible. I realized, I am still very busy, just a different kind, a quiet busy.

Becoming a mother is nothing like I expected. I don’t think anyone knows what they are in for the first time around. My life is less complicated, but in a lot of ways even more challenging. I have to remind myself to stay present. Everything changes so quickly, if I get distracted, I may miss it! Something almost magical happens around three months. Personality emerges, and each milestone is a celebration. I can see her thinking and learning. I get butterflies when we have conversations in baby jibberish. I can tell she is happy, and I realize, this is my best work to date!